Tattooed Yuppies Driving SUVs

Mammoths and saber-tooths no longer roam the landscape. Instead, we live in a world packed with tattooed yuppies driving SUVs and gigantic pick-up trucks. I don’t understand this generation. I may come across as a grouchy old man telling people to “get off my lawn,” but the unnecessary extravagance and the poor taste of recent generations bewilders and on occasion disgusts me.

When I was a kid, tattoos were restricted to a certain subset of tough guys–bikers and sailors. They usually had just 1 tattoo on a muscular arm. Now, tattoos are astonishingly widespread and popular. It seems like every suburban yuppy wimp is covered in ink. I think they invariably look stupid, and I automatically assume a person with a tattoo suffers from reduced intelligence because they don’t have the foresight to realize they might get tired of looking at their tattoos someday. And in fact, the tattoo removal business is booming. People completely covered with tattoos look ridiculous, and they make me think of neon signs loudly advertising poor taste. I’ve seen celebrity chefs covered in tattoos. I wouldn’t want to eat any dish they prepared. Oh, and I’ve seen people my age with tattoos. There are few sights as pathetic as an old man my age trying to be hip by getting a tattoo. Even women cover themselves with tattoos these days. I’ve seen many a beautiful model who has permanently marred her good looks with filthy ink. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to lie down and let somebody draw pictures on them. I guess I have more interesting things to do.

What if a tattooed person gets tired of their tattoos? I much prefer all natural. It looks cleaner.

Roads and parking lots are filled with these tattooed yuppies driving gas-guzzling SUVs and monster pick-up trucks. I am not referring to plumbers or carpenters who need these vehicles to carry their tools. I also exempt from my criticism disabled people who need room for their wheelchairs. But I can’t for the life of me understand why a white collar yuppy would drive such a wasteful extravagant vehicle. I can’t believe how popular they are. It seems like there are more of these monstrosities on the road than regular passenger cars. I hate how they block my line of sight when I am driving. If they are in a neighboring turn lane, I can’t see through them to make my turn, and I am forced to wait until they make their turn. If my car is parked between 2 SUVs or monster pick-up trucks, it is next to impossible to back up without taking a chance of getting in a parking lot fender bender. At least I can laugh at these chumps when they fill up their gas tanks. It must cost about $100. Moreover, many must be paying a car note comparable to a house mortgage. No wonder so many Americans are underwater with their finances. Chevrolet SUVs and Dodge Ram pick-up trucks average $35,000, and they must cost an additional fortune to insure. That is too much to pay for transportation.

I hate the way these monstrosities block my line of sight on roads and in parking lots.

Ditto.

What was wrong with these 1970s style station wagons? They were easier to see over.

I had an encounter lately with a tattooed yuppy, though that is not what inspired this blog entry (this is a subject I’ve had on the back burner for a while). She parked her shiny black truck too close to our car, so that we couldn’t open my passenger car door all the way. My disabled wife was the passenger, and we couldn’t fit her wheelchair between the vehicles. I could have moved the car, but I had a poor night’s sleep, and I didn’t feel like it. I thought I could lift my wife out of her wheelchair, walk her to the passenger door, and squeeze her into the passenger side door without bumping the door into the yuppy’s truck, but I was wrong. The impact caused a tiny 1/4-inch scratch (if it wasn’t already present). The woman who was sitting in the car came out and angrily confronted me. I apologized and offered to give her $20. I thought this was a generous offer for a $2 bottle of touch up paint, but she called me an “asshole” and threatened to call the police. I told her to go ahead. She said, “get the fuck out of my face” and went back inside her car. (She was the one who got in my face.) What a stupid woman.

Tags: giant pick-up, SUV, tattoos look stupid, yuppy