The Skeptical Santa

I was 4 years old when my mom first tried telling me about Santa Claus.  I went directly to the chimney, looked inside, and told my mom there was no way a fat man in a red suit could fit in there.  I admit that I was precocious.  When my daughter was in 3rd grade, she told me the kids in her class had a big debate over the true existence of Santa Claus.  But by 4th grade most kids have it figured out.  It’s too bad more adults  don’t employ the critical and logical thinking I demonstrated when I was a pre-schooler, and that most kids can manage by the time they are 9.

The skeptical Santa.  For Christmas I present to my readers  the truth and facts that seem to be absent in today’s cable television news and entertainment shows.

Bigfoot is a man in an ape suit.

Cryptozoologists think bigfoot may be Gigantopithecus blacki,  a species thought to be extinct. Cryptozoologists believe it is still surviving in North America.  Gigantopithicus was an ape closely related to the extant orangutan.  In other words it was a giant orangutan.  It was the largest known primate to ever live on earth.  The genus originally evolved 9 million years ago but no fossils younger than 300,000 years have ever been found.  The only fossil evidence we have consists of 3 lower jaws and 1300 teeth.  Based on the size of the jaws and teeth, scientists estimate it was 10 feet tall and weighed 1200 pounds.  All of the fossil evidence has been excavated from sites in China and Vietnam.  None come from North America.  The dentition suggests it was dependent upon bamboo for sustenance.

A reconstruction of the extinct Gigantopithecus blacki.  It was quite a beast.  The reconstruction of this species is also quite a stretch–no limb bones nor skull of this species have ever been found.  It co-existed with Homo erectus for at least 500,000 years.

A viable breeding population of a species this large in North America could not exist unknown to modern science, especially in this day and age of trailcams and satellite and aerial photography.  The impressions of the feet are easily faked.  Moreover, a big ape like Gigantopithicus was a knuckle-walker and wouldn’t leave footprints such as those that are faked.  It is obvious that Bigfoot is a hoax.  Bigfoot is a man in an apesuit.

This famous photo is actually a Hollywood stuntman in an ape suit.

And here’s the man, Bob Heironimus, along with the suit that fooled so many gullible people.

Bob Heironimus admitted that he was the one in the apesuit in the famous film frequently shown on television.  He passed a lie detector test.  The latest hoax about Bigfoot comes from a veterinarian who claims she has DNA evidence of a man-ape hybrid.  Her results haven’t been published in a peer-reviewed journal.  Don’t hold your breath.

There will never be a zombie apocalypse–it is not physiologically possible.

Zombies have become popular fodder for fiction recently.  I like to watch those tv shows and movies and read those books too, but the Discovery Network sunk to a new low last week when they aired a special supposing what would happen, if there was a real zombie apocalypse.  They had scientists proposing that a virus could actually cause zombie-like symptoms.  No way.  There is no virus that can re-animate a person.  In fact, there is no viable scientific explanation for reanimation.  Zombies are a subject of supernatural horror, not realistic science fiction.  Supposedly, zombies don’t breathe, nor do they have circulating blood.  Yet somehow, they can walk, use their senses to detect where potential prey is located, and attack and eat.  This is not biologically possible.  Without oxygen human muscles will not work and no brain function whatsoever is possible.  Just watch an MMA fight.  On occasion an MMA fighter will get caught in a sleeper hold.  Usually it takes less than a minute of asphyxiation to cause them to lose conciousness.  Zombies never breathe, yet they can move their muscles indefinitely.

There is a general lack of logic in zombie fiction as well.  Supposedly, there are endless masses of people who have become zombies.  This is simply an excuse to show violence, as survivors kill this infinite supply of zombies.  An endless swarm of zombies is not logical.  Look outside.  How many people do you see walking in the street right now?  I see no one.  The vast majority of people would turn into zombies while they were inside houses, buildings, hospitals, and cars.  There would be no mass swarmings of zombies.  They would be trapped inside, unable to get out because, according to zombie literature, they can’t turn door handles (though they can detect prey).

The survivors in zombie apocalypse fiction always choose to do the exact opposite of what a logical person would do.  I’d head for Cumberland Island where there are no people and no bridges that would enable zombies to cross the intracoastal waterway.  But instead, these fictional survivors always head toward prisons, hospitals, army bases, and malls–where there would be lots of zombies.  The whole premise of a zombie apocalypse is totally illogical.

Religion is a business scam that should be taxed.

There is an organization that has gone to court to try and end the IRS rule prohibiting political speeches in churches.  Endorsing a political candidate can endanger a church’s tax exempt status.  I agree with this organization–they should be allowed to endorse candidates.  But they should be taxed anyway because all religions are nothing more than a business scam.  Religions make money by promoting lies invented by a bunch of old men beginning about 2,700 years ago.  Preachers, priests, and rabbis all profit from brainwashing people into believing archaic myths.  I don’t know if there is a God or not but I know he’s not an invisible Jewish rabbi who let himself be tortured to death, so he could die for everybody’s sins, then reanimate like a zombie for a few days before ascending to heaven to sit next to himself.  If that sounds mixed up and illogical, realize I’m only restating in different words what the bible claims.  Anybody who takes  the bible  seriously is more gullible than people who believe in the existence of bigfoot.

Patches on foot soles can not detoxify heavy metals from the human body.

Not long ago, I saw a commercial on some late night cable for a product that supposedly could detoxify heavy metals from the human body.  It was a patch, not unlike gauze, placed on foot soles.  I rolled on the floor laughing at this absurdity.  Less than a month after they began showing this commercial, I read the FDA had ordered this company to stop making this unproved claim.  I wonder how many gullible souls wasted money on that joke.

The NRA is a terrorist organization.

The National Rifle Association is a terrorist organization.  Every year, guns kill more people in the U.S. over a 4 month timespan than the terrorists did on 9-11.  All of the NRA’s arguments against gun control are illogical and lack critical thought.  Here I debunk each one.

1. “Guns don’t kill people.  People kill people.  If a killer doesn’t have a gun, they’ll use a baseball bat or a knife” 

Yeah, but people using guns kill an average of 10,000 people a year in the U.S.  It’s a lot easier to pull a trigger than to manually have to stab someone with a knife or hit someone with a baseball bat.  Guns are more effective too.  There is no way a man with a knife could have killed 20 schoolchildren and 6 teachers at the Newtown, CT. school.  Someone would have been able to physically stop the wimp and probably before he killed anyone.

2. “If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.”

This argument is simply a lie.  The police will still have guns.  Are the police outlaws?

3. “Cars kill more people than guns.”

This is the stupidest argument of all.  The purpose of a car is transportation.  The purpose of a gun is killing.  As the lyric to the Lynyrd Skynyrd song “Saturday Night Special” goes, “Handguns are made for killing.  They ain’t no good for nothing else.”  We need cars to survive in the modern world we live in.  We don’t need guns to survive.

4. “Guns keep me safer.”

Gun owners are over 4 times more likely than non-gun owners to die from gunshot wounds.

5. “If the principle had a gun, he could have prevented the school shooting in Newtown.”

Two armed policeman were present at the Columbine School shooting.  They could not stop it.

6. “Owning a gun is protected by the 2nd amendment.”

Before talking about gun control, every politician, even those favoring tougher regulations, always have to make the statement that they support the 2nd amendment.  That shows how much the NRA terrorizes our politicians.  Stating support for the 2nd amendment is nonsensical because the 2nd amendment is poorly written and ambiguous.  From the way the 2nd amendment is written, it is impossible to determine whether the founding fathers meant gun ownership was a collective or an individual right.  The founding fathers used plural words such as “militia” and “people” when referrring to gun rights.  One could make the argument that gun ownership is merely a collective right, not an individual right.  The 2nd amendment does not use the word “both,” debunking the claim that it protects both the collective and individual right to own guns.  Moreover, all they had then were single shot muskets and pistols.  If these gun rights nuts want to take a strict interpetation of the constitution, the only guns that should be legal are single shot muskets and pistols.

7. “The assault weapons ban didn’t work before.”

That ban was too weak and not strictly enforced, but that’s beside the point.  We have laws against murder, but that doesn’t stop murder.  According to the NRA’s logic, we should legalize murder because laws against it don’t work. 

8. “The majority of gunowners are responsible.”

The majority of people in this country believe God is an invisible rabbi who sees all, and many also believe in the existence of bigfoot and angels, the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, and that patches on foot soles can detoxify heavy metals.  Most are in huge credit card debt.  Americans are not a responsible rational people. 

In response to the Newtown shootings Senator Jay Rockefeller wants the National Academy of Science to study violent video games.  Rockefeller is too cowardly to attack the real cause of the violence in America– the availability of handguns and assault rifles.  Instead, he wants to scapegoat video games because it’s much easier than taking on the terrorist organization known as the National Rifle Organization.  Hey Jay–it wasn’t video games that killed 20 schoolchildren in Newtown…it was assault rifles.

Gun control proponents are wrong about one thing.  They claim there is no hunting use for rifles with high capacity magazines.  Rednecks in Texas like to shoot into herds of feral hogs with these weapons.  Here’s Ted Nugent using a machine gun to shoot into a herd of feral hogs from a helicopter.  Not exactly sporting either.  Ted Nugent is a sadistic howling maniac.

In my opinion all assault rifles and handguns should be outlawed.  Gun deaths in the U.S. are 20 times higher than the average rate in the rest of the developed world.  The only legal firearms should be single shot rifles and shotguns for hunting.  A single shot firearm still gives an unfair advantage to man over beast, but at least it’s not the glorified slaughter as depicted in the above photo.

Tags: Bigfoot, Gigantopithecus blacki, gun control, Jay Rockefeller, NRA, religion, Santa Claus, Ted Nugent, the 2nd amendment